Underneath My Anxiety

For the past few years, my anxiety has increased and my stress levels have skyrocketed. I haven't always been this way, but I've noticed a pattern. And maybe, just maybe, I have finally figured out the root of it all. My children.

I'm talking about the major changes that my body had to go through. Physically, hormonally and mentally. I created three whole human beings who drained by body of its nutrients in order to grow healthy little people. If my body could speak literal words, I can only imagine what it would say. But I definitely know what it's feeling. After my oldest (Janya) was born in 2005, I always felt paranoid knowing I won't always be able to protect her. And thanks to stories told to me about my uncle who molested my aunts, his own sisters; my worst fear was somebody doing the same to my child. I've never experienced sexual abuse, but my anxiety from imagining what my aunts went through haunted me for the first 3 years of my daughter's life. I used to have dreams at least 3 times a week about someone raping her and me not being able to save her. The dreams eventually stopped and I started feeling normal again.

Baby number two (Jai) came in 2016 and baby number three (Jaida) in 2018. My mind and body didn't have time to replenish what it lost after after having Jai and there I was, pregnant again even though we weren't going to try again until after he turned two. That back to back pregnancy took a toll on me physically and mentally. I didn't feel like myself. My body felt like it was breaking and I felt like I had early alzheimers. I still feel that way. My memory is so bad. I forget things within seconds. That alone causes my anxiety to increase.

And just like the horrible dreams I used to have about Janya, after Jai was born, I'd always have dreams of him dying. Once Jaida was born, the dreams about Jai stopped and dreams about Jaida began. I once had a dream about the neighbor's dog eating her alive while I was gardening. It seems like a pattern. After each kid I have these horrific dreams about them getting hurt or dying. It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. I realized, these dreams occur because I fear not being able to protect my children from the world. I know it's unrealistic to think that I can but reality is, I can't. And that bothers me.

The paranoia of knowing it's impossible for me to save them from everything bad was the beginning of my anxiety. Many things are a trigger. But now, I'm able to cope better. I am accepting the fact that I can't always be super mom. I can only hope that I teach them well enough to be aware of their surroundings, and how to protect themselves.